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Stayed up until 6 AM playing Minecraft.
Nov. 8th, 2011 12:34 pmStarting to be a little uneven on the regular blogging, sorry. Actually, it's been exceptionally hard to motivate myself to do much of anything lately -- even the things I consider to be fun. Caffeine helps. So do clove cigarettes, but I'd just as soon not turn those into a habit. I've only got half a dozen left in the pack, so in a week or two I'll have to discard that particular chemical crutch. That's for the best.
I would very much like my attention span back. And some breathing room. Things always get worse when i am under greater financial stress. And they get a lot better when I can basically forget about money for a couple of months. I want to write a damn agent letter already and start shopping Running In Her Veins around. I want to get some health insurance so that I can talk to a doctor about my mood and motivational problems. I want to be able to convince myself that job hunting is not hopeless. It has been eighteen months. Last year I put in over six hundred job applications; this year I have put in just over the minimum to stay on unemployment deferment with my student loans. If I could believe that I would not self-sabotage and get myself fired, I'd go back to working fast food in a heartbeat ( a very dissatisfied heartbeat).
I am glad that I as prepared for this. I watched one of my college professors go through similar periods of mood swings and doldrums; and she jokingly incorporated it into her lessons, noting that this was often part of life as a writer, especially if you had problems with depression. She was a brilliant teacher, but of course, her occasional irregularities meant she was denied tenure.
I wish I could believe that there was some trick of discipline that would allow me to snap out of this, but observation indicates it is much more probably environmental and chemical factors. Unless, of course, that's just an excuse I'm using to avoid dealing with it. Self-doubt can be kind of toxic that way. I know it's not as simple as laziness on my part, but I spent my childhood being yelled at and told i was lazy and incompetent, so despite all prevailing evidence against that, I still frequently believe it.
This is the inside of my head at the moment. In an hour or two I'll feel much better. But I still may not accomplish much, and certainly not as much as I ought to.
Despite this post, I very much enjoy my life. I am a generally happy person. It just gets complicated every now and then.
I would very much like my attention span back. And some breathing room. Things always get worse when i am under greater financial stress. And they get a lot better when I can basically forget about money for a couple of months. I want to write a damn agent letter already and start shopping Running In Her Veins around. I want to get some health insurance so that I can talk to a doctor about my mood and motivational problems. I want to be able to convince myself that job hunting is not hopeless. It has been eighteen months. Last year I put in over six hundred job applications; this year I have put in just over the minimum to stay on unemployment deferment with my student loans. If I could believe that I would not self-sabotage and get myself fired, I'd go back to working fast food in a heartbeat ( a very dissatisfied heartbeat).
I am glad that I as prepared for this. I watched one of my college professors go through similar periods of mood swings and doldrums; and she jokingly incorporated it into her lessons, noting that this was often part of life as a writer, especially if you had problems with depression. She was a brilliant teacher, but of course, her occasional irregularities meant she was denied tenure.
I wish I could believe that there was some trick of discipline that would allow me to snap out of this, but observation indicates it is much more probably environmental and chemical factors. Unless, of course, that's just an excuse I'm using to avoid dealing with it. Self-doubt can be kind of toxic that way. I know it's not as simple as laziness on my part, but I spent my childhood being yelled at and told i was lazy and incompetent, so despite all prevailing evidence against that, I still frequently believe it.
This is the inside of my head at the moment. In an hour or two I'll feel much better. But I still may not accomplish much, and certainly not as much as I ought to.
Despite this post, I very much enjoy my life. I am a generally happy person. It just gets complicated every now and then.
