Sooner or later, I'm going to write a letter.

[matt_doyle]

Specifically, a letter to an agent, in which I'll have to describe and sum up Running In Her Veins in a way that's concise and compelling. I am very bad at summaries of my stories that take less than an hour to tell.

So, I'm going to practice.

Running In Her Veins is a Neo-Gothic YA Urban Fantasy novel about a teenaged girl and an immortal assassin coming to terms with themselves and the moral dilemmas surrounding them, set against a backdrop of kidnapping, sword fights, chase scenes, demonic magic, and thwarted romance. Jordan, an adopted Catholic schoolgirl, sneaks out of her house one night and has her life utterly derailed when she is kidnapped by a pair of men who claim to be protecting her from her biological father - a centuries-old killer who wants her dead. Casimir is a Cossack warrior, a member of the Incarnadine Order, a cabal of immortals who have bound their souls to demons. As long as he kills to feed it, the demon's power grants Casimir eternal youth and unimaginable power - but his hesitancy to shed blood has made him weak and ridiculed by his fellow Order members. Now, if he can capture Jordan and bring her to her father, he can reclaim the respect and power that should be his. He isn't the only one hunting her, however... and despite the fear and confusion taking over Jordan's life, she is far from defenseless.

How does that sound? Criticism would be great - if you've read the book, does this sound about right? And if not, does it pique your interest? Inquiring minds want to know...

Comments

[pillow-of-doom.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think it sounds great. Maybe something more about the Jordan/Casimir relationship? I don't know if you could summarize something like that enough, though. Hmm...

[matt_doyle]

Thanks!

[duchessdollydot.livejournal.com]

Looks pretty strong to me.

You could take out the "utterly" in "life utterly derailed".

In the "As long as he kills to feed it", you might want to write "the demon" instead of "it." It gave me pause, trying to figure out what "it" was. On the other hand, "the demon" comes just after the comma so maybe this nitpick is so nitpicky it's unnecessary.

If I think about anything more I'll add. I haven't read the book, and now I want to. So! Good.

[matt_doyle]

Thanks!

And it is up on mattador, you know, :-P.

[feuervogel]

From my research into query letters, you want short and punchy. I'm not good at it, either, but I can say that there are a lot of words on that page. If you haven't seen http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/ 's query resources, take a look at them. They're helpful.

(Also, if you've published it online, it counts as being published already, according to what other people have told me. Exceptions are if it's password protected (behind a friends lock?) or otherwise non-generally available.)

[matt_doyle]

It's behind a friendslock for that exact reason. Thanks for the link!

[feuervogel]

Wise! I'm sure I saw it, but my eyes probably skipped right past the little lock in the corner. They do that sometimes.

I've added a bunch of agents and the like to my RSS feed lately, and I'm always keeping my eyes open for query advice (though I'm still nowhere near query stage.)

[celebros.livejournal.com]

"coming to terms with themselves and the moral dilemmas surrounding them"

This comes off a tad bland / generic to me - I'm pretty sure that sentence applies to almost every novel ever written.

[matt_doyle]

I disagree but see your point nonetheless, and will consider accordingly. Thanks!

[elf-amazon.livejournal.com]

1) You will want to spell out Young Adult, instead of using the abbreviation.
2) That first sentence would not belong in a back-cover blurb, but maybe it fits here? Eh? *lack of knowledge*
3) At first it sounds as though your "immortal assassin" of the first sentence is David.
4) Casimir's description... Noting that he's a Cossack warrior doesn't really have much bearing on his actions in the novel - in fact, I'm pretty sure it doesn't even get brought up. We are also not really introduced to the idea of him being hesitant to kill. Contrary to that notion, he does not once hesitate in trying to kill Jordan in a number of imaginative ways early on, and does not pause in trying to do in anyone else in the book if it benefits him. This description makes him sound much less scary and cold-blooded - more "hugs and puppies" as Buffy says. It also doesn't give the idea that he's actually WITH Jordan - a key point of the book. It sounds more like he's chasing her.
5) I would say "but despite the fear" rather than "and despite..." It gives Jordan a little more confidence and strength, which we know that her character has.

[matt_doyle]

Thanks! ♥

[sunnyskywalker]

I'd start right out with "Jordan, an adopted Catholic schoolgirl..." and stick the summary of the genre and themes at the end instead. This makes the beginning more dramatic. I'm also left wondering whether her being a Catholic schoolgirl is relevant (it doesn't seem so in the query) - if it isn't, cut it, because "Catholic schoolgirl" is cliche and doesn't tell us much. (Her being adopted, on the other hand, obviously matters!)

There's an agent out there who critiques query letters in her blog: Query Shark. She's ruthless, but that's a good thing!

[matt_doyle]

That's a VERY good thing! Thanks for the link!