Knight Agency Contest.

[matt_doyle]

So, there's an agency that's looking for the best 3-sentence, 150-word max summaries of completed, unpublished novels, and will be requesting to read the manuscripts of the best 20.  Given that I am (perpetually) about two days from having RIHV all typed up, this seems like a dream come true to me.

Except that I suck at summaries.  I trimmed the one I posted last month down to 95 words, but am entirely disgusted with it.  A (brilliant) friend suggested that I write a drabble-summary, and maybe I will, but first I'd like feedback- both from people who have read RIHV, and might be able to tell me what I'm missing and what I described wrong, and from those of you who haven't, and can tell me in excruciating detail why my pitch is boring and cliched, and what would need to change before they'd be interested in reading.

Self-deprecation aside, really, please be very very critical.  ♥


The men who kidnapped Jordan say that they’re protecting her from her biological father, a man who belongs to an immortal cabal of killers that have bound their souls to demons to gain eternal youth.  Casimir is one of the hunters her father has sent after her, an unsympathetic but silver-tongued assassin whose hesitancy to shed blood has made him weak and ridiculed by his fellows.  Capturing Jordan is supposed to bring him the respect and power that should be his, but he isn't the only one hunting her... and Jordan is far from defenseless.

Comments

[darkeyedwolf.livejournal.com]

You grabbed my attention with the first sentence (in a really major way -- now I want to read it!), but you sorta lost me with the rest. It's a bit long-winded?

[matt_doyle]

It's up over at mattador still - if you want, I can link you to the beginning of it!

[darkeyedwolf.livejournal.com]

Awesome, I'd love that.

[matt_doyle]

http://mattador.livejournal.com/343459.html is the prologue, and there should be a link to the next bit at the bottom of every page. Let me know what you think!

[virtuistic.livejournal.com]

I like the summary. I think it's a very good tease. It catches my attention and makes me want to know more.

That being said, I see some places where this can be shortened and am enclosing my edits. Mostly just getting rid of passive tense.

The men who kidnapped Jordan say that they’re protecting her from her biological father -- (em dash) a man who belongs to an immortal cabal of killers that have who bound their souls to demons to gain eternal youth. Casimir is one of the hunters her father has sent after her, an unsympathetic but silver-tongued assassin whose hesitancy to shed blood has made makes him weak and ridiculed by his fellows. Capturing Jordan is supposed to would bring him the much deserved respect and power¹ that should be his, but he isn't the only one hunting her... and Jordan is far from defenseless.

¹Explain why?


What might help in this endeavor is reading the backs of books and kind of get a feel for how they advertise their content.

[virtuistic.livejournal.com]

Also, I just realized that the comma in the second sentence could confuse readers. I know that second clause is describing Casimir, but it could be misread to apply to the father. I would suggest putting that clause right after Casimir's name... and then substituting the "him" in the third sentence with Casimir as well.

[matt_doyle]

Thanks much!

[tulina.livejournal.com]

I really like the first sentence but the rest isn't so good--I guess the sentences are too long. Too much info, it looses the impact. The last sentence works, but because it's the typical finale designed to leave you wanting more. And if you realize that, it doesn't work that well. :/